I'm worth it

Tonight I read out of my book, but I was truly too tired to blog a lot...I have a Texas size headache and just feel like crap...probably HCG. I struggle with my self worth a lot!! No matter what others say, it's deep rooted and been there for awhile. Tonight I watched Extreme Makeover with Chris Powell...and the lady featured was named Stacie... It was crazy how close I could relate to her. I watched her say the following statement 3 times without even realizing it, almost as if God wanted me to really hear her message!! She was absolutely amazing...and I can only hope to have her strength and determination...WOW, what a testament!!!!

"You have to love yourself enough to know you're worth every tear that comes out of you're eye, you're worth every muscle that hurts, you're worth every piece of sweat that drenches you're shirt...you're just worth it...worth it for as long as it takes"

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Made to Last Forever...

Wow, everything is going crazy round and round.  I have been across the state working, been to California working and will soon go to Florida working.  I had three adoptions last week and two of my kiddos met their forever families...it made my heart warm.  I also started reading the Purpose Driven Life again.  This is something I need to do.  Today's chapter talks about how this life is not all there is.  And honestly this is exactly what I needed to read.  With everything going on with my MawMaw, it helps to realize that one day, maybe soon, she will live for eternity with my PawPaw...oh I can see them now.  "In Heaven we will be reunited with loved ones who are believers, released from all pain and suffering, rewarded for our faithfulness on earth and reassigned to do work that we will enjoy doing."  One thing that I have long realized is that sometimes you are judged for not going to a certain church or saying bless this day and quoting scripture.  What upsets me is that just because I do not go to church everyday or in a while, that does not make me any less of a person than some that do. I have also noticed that those who say those things or judge you are hypocrits; they like their material possessions, they lie, they treat people terribly (but then put on a very sweet little front) and worse of all they judge you.  I upsets me very much, but I am working on not saying anything to these individuals...my faith in God is very strong and I have Jesus in my heart...really that is all that matters. 

So since I am working really hard to get my life back on track and improve my life...I feel strongly that it is time to let those go who try to bring you down.  I struggle so much to find my purpose in life and I am peeling back the layers, maybe a little slower than others, but I am working on this.  I will get back into the habit of reading Purpose Driven Life and my bible each night before bed.  And I will blog about one happy moment each day, yes this could be chore, but I think it is necessary to be happy. 

Also recently I started the HCG back up...I'm talking yesterday :)  My kit came in the mail and the prescription arrived from Canada.  I did all the mixing and the first two injections have not been bad at all.  I am very committed to this and other things that I enjoy are going to have to take a back buring while I focus on my health.  Of course the first two days are load days and let me tell you I feel like I have eaten the worse food of my life!!!  I have joined a support group and they have been very positive, supportive and motivating.  I have the best people in my life to help keep me motivated and just provide that support and love.  I am very fortunate.  The closest friends I have, have been in my life for 11 plus years now and they have always been my biggest cheerleaders and I love them dearly for this.  I truly feel like with their support, the support group and sheer determination, this round is going to be life changing.  Here's sure hoping.  I am going to try to do the 40 day round which would put my last dose on August 26 and then I would start phase 3 on August 29.  That will be the hardest part...I have said my goodbye's to my favorite things but I will be introduced to them in 45 days...45 days out of the rest of my life is not to much to ask. 

MawMaw

This precious women in the picture with me is my MawMaw.  Few people understand the bond that we share.  I was the oldest granddaughter born, the second oldest grandchild.  The oldest lived a good ways away and so I was the oldest in their eyes.  Her and my PawPaw were always my rock.  When I was little and things were bad with my mom and the "sperm donor", they always came to rescue us.  I spent many Christmas mornings bounding down their stairs waiting to see what Santa had brought.  Most of my childhood summers were spent in the fields during harvest time.  MawMaw always cooked her famous chili beans and other yummy things for everyone working the harvest.  I can remember riding in the combine with my pawpaw to wake to a bunny sitting on my chest.  Dinners at their house were a regular thing.  Every Sunday, the dinner table was full of food and love.  I never heard my grandmother say a bad thing about anyone.  Not even the sperm donor.  MawMaw was always a little ditzty but fool of love, always making me and my sister coke floats when we got home from school.  They played such a huge role in my life.  They were well respected by many and loved by all.  I have never seen so much love as I did between her and my PawPaw and our family.  When Mom and Dad married in their yard, my MawMaw was never happier.  She loves my dad so much.  Her and PawPaw always said that Daddy was their third son.  Sadly my PawPaw passed away 19 years ago in May.  That was one of the hardest days of my life.  I will never forget it, they felt like Werdna and I were too young to be there when he passed and I didn't get to say goodbye.  I had a very difficult time understanding and moving on after PawPaw passed away.  Possibly about 15 years ago, we found out MawMaw had Alzhiemer's Disease.  I had no idea what we were in store for.  I remember the first time I saw signs of the disease.  I cried all night.  Some don't know the MawMaw I know...the sweet loving woman.  They see her now, very short and sometimes just rude.  I had never heard my MawMaw say anything worse than darn...so imagine my shock when she called her roommate at the nursing home an ole' bitch.  I got a little chuckle, but couldn't believe what I saw.  She has overcome a lot.  Now she is very sad.  She hurts most of the time and is very withdrawn.  She has always lit up when I walked in the room and would grab my face and say, "Shauna Sue, I love you mostest".  What I would give to have that one more time.  MawMaw is not doing so well now.  The doctors have said they feel like she is very tired and ready for the next step.  I am very selfish, I don't want to imagine my life without my precious MawMaw, but I have to be realistic and realize that this could be any time.  My MawMaw has missed the love of her life for 19 long years and I think she is getting ready to be with him.  I truly hope that she is just giving us a good scare.  I pray every night, a little selfishly that I have one more day with MawMaw.  I want to lay in her bed and not leave her side...I just don't want her to.  She is my rock, my inspiration, my love and will never really know how special she is to me.  I understand the cycle of life and know what is to come, but I honestly don't know how to accept this.  I feel like I am dealing with this on my own.  Each one of my cousins, aunts, uncles and such have someone to lean on but I feel like I have to be the strongest for the rest of them and for myself.  MawMaw, I love you to the moon and back and love you the MOSTEST.  I am greatful for each minute I get to spend with her, no matter how hard it is. 
I love you Werdna Eileen Williford

Lazy Sunday's

Today is a very quiet and lazy day!  I have gotten terrible about blogging.  I feel so much better when I do blog.  Crazy things been happening...what's new :)  Right now we are dealing with lots of family issues.  Praying for my dad's health and agonizing over MawMaw.  That women has been the most influential person in my life quite possibly...I know she is tired and ready to be with my PawPaw, but I am selfish and am not ready to live my life without her.  I'm doing what I can to help her, but she is very tired. 

Lots of marriages, babies and such been going on which means lots of showers.  I love going to these, but yesterday while I was at Jessi's baby shower, it hit me full force in the face that I may never get to experience this... Over the years I have been to countless wedding and baby showers, and I have loved everyone of thems.   I'm not necessarily giving up but I am being realistic.  It is time for me to realize that I will likely never be able to experience these things...being with one person you love and celebrating your love...and creating your family.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I have a box that I have had since I was little.  This box has pictures of my perfect wedding from wedding magazines and other magazines.  This also has my dream nursery put together from the JcPenney catalog.  I know very silly, but I have wanted to be a wife and mom every since I can remember.  Somethings are just not meant to be.  I know that God has a special plan for me and it's time to just turn everything over to God.  Through reading the Purpose Driven Life, I have realized that my life may have a purpose I have never dreamed of...one that I am still learning about. 

One thing that I have become more aware of recently...the sting of people'a actions.  I do not have the perfect life, I do not have the perfect clothes and by no means have the ideal life.  However, I will never look disgustingly at someone who thinks they do.  Because those who think they are better than you because they have their ideal family, they have all their material possessions, or the appear to be better than anyone else; have shown me exactly how much hurt this can cause.  I am a strong person and I will tell you that I think you are a hypocrytical bitch because you turn your nose up at me because I don't have the perfect hair, skin, figure, clothes, life or possessions...but when I am hidden from others, I cry becasue of the hurt that nasty look on your face has created.  This may not make a whole lot of sense by it does to me.  It is so true you have NO idea what someone is going through when you choose to treat them like a piece of shit.  And really you have no idea what someone is going through when you make those snide, hurtful remarks and give those judgemental stares.  These cause me to change the way I treat others.  Enough of that!!!

So be thankful for the things that you have and don't take credit for your life,  you never know how badly someone may be suffering because they don't have those things. 

You are not an Accident

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident
Verse to Remember: " I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." Isaiah 44:2
Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me.  What areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am I struggling to accept? 

For me it is what about my personality, turns people away...or do I help create that.  It's also that I do have this huge wall up and no matter how hard I try to crumble it, it's not budging.  I also question as to whether or not I self sabatoge.  Why is it so hard for me to just put it in God's hands and let it be?  There are so many things about my physical appearance I would love to change.  My body being number 1.  I have found here lately, I want perfection and in some sick sense feel like this will bring me closer to what I want to achieve...people can lie all they want to but physical appearance is a huge thing for most people.  I find myself wanting skin treatments, botox, etc.  I recently bought a full length mirror thinking I could get over my fear of looking into it...but I can't, it's still in my car.  I understand to some people these concerns are very petty, but they are my concerns and those who care about me should validate these but be supportive and loving.  I am sick of hearing, you are so pretty, you just need to lose some weight.  Or constantly have you made a love connection, are you planning on giving your parents a son-in-law or grandchildren?  BACK off people...I struggle with that enough, I do not need your pressure along with the pressures of society knocking me in the head.  I mean think about it, if you are single or do not have kids, you are not a part of the couples showers, couples parties, kids parties, etc.  In order for you to attend those, you HAVE to be a couple!!!  I have not been a part of many showers and such for my close friends and loved ones because I did not have a partner.  WTF ever!!!!  I want to be able to overlook that and not have my feelings hurt, it's just another thing, not a huge deal, but some people can hurt you more than they realize and it is sometimes the smallest thing either said or done that causes the most pain. 

Wow, kind of went into another direction, but it felt good to say those things because I would never actually say those to anyone.  Those words are hurtful and regardless of who things I am a mean person, I don't like hurting people, AT ALL!!!  So I feel a little more at peace getting that out.  Now, hopefully sleep :) Hey a girl can dream can't she!!!

Day 1 - It all starts with God

"Focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose"

AS I am reading I found this to be interesting: "Consider your dreams.  Clarify your values. Set some goals.  Figure out what your good at.  Aim High!!  Go for it!! Be disciplined...believe you can achieve your goals...involve others...NEVER GIVE UP!!!" 

~~You were made by God and for God - and until you understand that, life will never make sense~~

So here is the exercise:
A.  Point to Ponder: It's not about me
B.  Verse to Remember: "For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible...everything got started in him and finds it's purpose in him"  Colossians 1:16
C. Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?  I feel like one of these ways is just to remind myself where I am right now in life.  I have gotten to this point by being selfish and thinking primarily of myself.  Not about God or the idea that God had a plan for me before I was even created. Ultimately God controls our destiny and we only make it easier or more difficult by the daily choices I have made. 

What tha...who tha...where tha...

It's been a long time since I have blogged.  I think that blogging is actually therapeutic for me.  So here we go!!  Lately I have been struggling a lot in my life.  I've been irritable...well what the hell, no need to lie...I've been very bitchy!!!  I see my life going in directions and it seems there is no real direction!!!  It's been difficult lately between not really knowing what is going on, work, terrible back aches and excruciating pain at times, I have been wondering...What is my purpose?  What did God put me on Earth to do?  Am I doing it?  And if someone says...oh are you depressed, I may just scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I think that as far back as I can remember, I sincerely thought I would be at a different point in my life.  I felt like I would be married, have a family and have tons of mommy/child playdates...and I don't.  Which is my own doing!!!  For so long I have focused on everything else in the world...particularly my job.  There are days where I just sit and wonder what it would be like to have these things...then I have to remember, these have all been choices I made on my own, no one helped me along in these.  Granted I have had the SHITTIEST (is this even a word) luck with the men in my life and I think that has helped to put a big ole' wall up, but here's the deal, I should be strong enough to say screw you, screw this!!  I see people everyday who take for granted the things they have been given in life and it is a knock in the head, granted there are a LOT of things I take for granted as well.  I know that I have treated some people very poorly in my life and  you know as much as I try not to have regrets, this is something I have regrets about.  Because I see people living this double standard where they say not to judge people and it's not about this or about that, but for some of those people, it really is.  Their actions prove that material things and how thin you are or how many snotty people you have to say their your friends, really is important to them.  I think now more than ever, I just realize how shitty it is to have people be mean to you...hence my choice to be a bitch!!!  Thinking about all of this has led me to just wonder what the hell am I doing, who the hell am I and where the hell am I headed.  In all honesty, I think some of this has come out of fear.  There are times I go to bed at night or have just the deepest twinge of pain and I wonder, shit is this it?  I haven't gotten to live my life the way I thought I would.  I know, I know...a little melodramatic!!!  But it's true.  When you feel as shitty as I have lately, that is a very overpowering thought...what the hell is wrong with me?  Which also leads me to look back at points in my life, pat myself on the shoulder and just say "DAMN Shauna, you really fucked that up or you really had your priorities in line (not)."  Which all leads me to where I am now.  Yes it is very corny, but I have purchased the Purpose Driven Life to read along with my bible.  And on page 9 the preface, asks "What on Earth am I here for?"  And this is the question I need to find the answer to!!!  40 days is all you need to transform your life, and my transformation starts tonight!!!  I will read and blog about what I read each night.  I sat down tonight and set some personal goals for myself...my hope is to follow those goals and grow through the bible.  This is not a last stitch effort at all.  But I know I am so so lost and need to find my way!!!

"My Covenant: With God's help, I commit the next 40 days of my life to discovering God's purpose for my life." I am not going to do this with a partner, I am doing this on my own...it is time I found my own way!!! 

topsy turvy

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite a while.  Going through a bit of a transition now.  No worries my sweet friend, there is no depression here, just some self-rediscovery.  A whole lot has been going on.  I have been struggling to see who I really am.  Lately I have been reading a lot of people's post on facebook about how important it is to look past the outside and see what is inside.  Well honestly this is BULLSHIT!!  Yes there are certain people out there who really do live that way and so glad to have those people in my life.  As for the rest of them, whatever, turnabout is fair play.  A part of this rediscovery has a lot to do with some scary things that are going on right now.  I am really scared but try my hardest to find the humor in it all.  I don't want anyone to know how weird I feel because I can't explain it.  I don't want people to know about the crazy trips to the ER, the battery of tests I have been through and the battery I have to go.  When some people learn about things like this, they feel sorry for you, no way in HELL do I want ANYONE to feel sorry for me!!!  I see my friends going here and going there but the truth is, before I go out and do anything like that I need to figure out what the hell is going on.  Today someone that I love very much asked me if I have made a love connection yet...no, and why is it important that I do?  Am I happy being single and alone and possible barren?  No, but I am not going to dwell on it.  Who really gives a shit as long as I am happy...and I am, just not happy with where I am.  I am learning to take more pride in myself...bringing out the best parts.  And I am working on it, but you know it's baby steps that count the most.  So for me the next 21 days will be devoted to me rediscovering myself.  I am going to try to journal more everyday.  Will be dressed appropriately to include make up and hair cutely fixed.  I will continue to eat well, just add exercise 6 days a week and pay more attention to what I am putting in my body.  Some people have done some things that have been very hurtful recently, but you know what forget them.  I am not going to live my life according to what others expect.  So these past two days spent in bed, are out for now.  I don't really give a shit how much pain I am in, how nauseated I am, how dizzy I am or how badly my heart feels like it is going to jump straight out of my chest.  I am not going to go on like I am just waiting for horrible news...not going to happen, I am going to live my life to MY fullest, not anyone else's fullest.  I am figuring out this as I go and am going to do just fine.  I am very good at putting  up a front and will continue to do so, I do not want anyone to know how scared I am...got that sister...noone!!!  Well I must sleep now, as if I haven't slept enought recently...goal is to get up at 5:00 for a 30 minute walk, then egg white omlete, 5 court reports knocked out, shower and micro and I should be good to go.  I GOT this!!!  Good night :)

Days 17 and 18

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently...

Oh sweet Jessica...you were such a ray of light.  Through all of this you have taught me to never take things for granted and life your life to the fullest, you never know when it can all be taken away.  You were a great mom, friend, daughter, sister and just a wonderful person.

Day 18 - A picture of your bigges insecurity...

Unfortunately my biggest insecurity is myself...however through kind words and love from others, this will not be the case forever :)

Day 15 and Day 16

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die...

I want to go to Paris :)

Day 16 - A picture of someone who ispires you...

No, not the hot baseball player...this was a trip that I took with two of "my kids"..."my kids" inspire me each and every day!

Days 11, 12, 13 and 14th

Okay, I have been crazy busy at work and became very lazy with the blog...so now I am playing catch up 8~)

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate...

yes they scare the shit out of me :-/

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

David and Shelby...the lights in my life

 Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist...

Aaron Watson

Randy Rogers Band

Wade Bowen

Day 14th - A picgture of someone you could never imagine your life without...

Can't imagine my life without them

Werdna, Dad, and Mom

Day 10 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Melanie: not sure where I would be today without her...during the toughest time in my life, she was there with me, holding me together, digging a ditch for the body we needed to bury (just kidding, but we thought about it) and she is still there...after every bad date, new life event, boy after boy!

Days 8 and 9

Day 8 - A picture that  makes you laugh

Day 9 - A picture of the person you do the silliest things with



Day 6 and 7

Day 6 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Julia Roberts: she has gorgeous babies and seems to be so down to earth

Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item

This thing keeps me on track and in touch with everyone I love.

And I am defiently proud of my new car!!



Day 5

A picture of your favorite memory :)  I have a few!!

Me, Werdna, Shane and PawPaw...I miss him everyday!!

Me and MawMaw Christmas 2010 LOVE her!!

1st Dallas Cowboy Game with the besties

The day David Martin was born

Me and Mel my 22nd birthday :)



Sweet Jessica

Okay Sweetness, you are stronger than what you think...you have to fight, fight, fight!!  You're sweet little Katie Bug and all of your family and friends need you.  I keep saying prayers for you and will continue to do so.  Your other two little partners in crime are praying fast and furiously and need you, they will continue to fight and provide strenght too!  Love ya suga britches!!!

Day 4

A picture of something that you wish you could forget:

Unfortnately, this is an ongoing battle for me, I HATE scales!!

Day 3

A picture of the cast of your favorite show

The ladies from Sex and the City!

Day 2

On Day 2 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge post a picture of you and the person you are closest too

Me and My seeseter, Werdna, we've always taken care of each other!

20 reasons why you're still single....hmmmm

1.  You always expect him to make the first move

Men know that they’re supposed to do the running, and they hate it. Being born male does not gift them with unassailable self-confidence. If you want a date, go and chat him up. He’ll be too delighted to reject you.

2. You think that eye contact is “making a move.” No, it isn’t
“Go and chat him up,” we said. Not: “stand there glancing at him every 20 minutes.” Eye contact, no matter how flirtatious you think it is, will not get you off the singles’ bench unless you accompany it with “hello,” at the very least.

3. You play hard to get
If you want a man to be interested in you, be interested in him. It works, because all human beings are egomaniacs at heart. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

4. You don’t get it when you’re being asked out
If a handsome stranger asks, “are you alright for a drink?”, he is trying to ask you out. Don’t just nod, blush, and run away. If you find him attractive, accept his offer and strike up a conversation.

5. You’re still waiting for love at first sight
Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom. Don’t wait around for that thunderbolt of first-glance love, because you’ll be waiting – and single – for a very long time indeed.

6. You’re too busy
All work and no play makes Jane a dull singleton. It may be tricky to find time for socialising and relationships, but your happiness (and health) will benefit if you strike a balance. Life is too short not to.

7. You stay in because you’ve got a zit
A zit that no man would ever notice, by the way. He’s too busy looking at your breasts or, if he was brought up very well, your eyes. Stop allowing minor skin mess-ups to dictate your social life.

8. You wear too much make-up
The natural look is much more appealing to men than a trowelling of slap. Too much make-up makes you look desperate, and that’s never a good look when you’re trying to impress.

9. You keep mentioning your ex
Perhaps you were with them for years and they play a walk-on part in all your anecdotes, but you must break the ex-namecheck habit if you’re to impress a potential lover. Even a passing mention of your ex suggests that you haven’t moved on.

10. You keep interrupting
What women see as conversation, men often see as interruption. If you’re trying to impress a guy, bite your tongue. Indulge him. Let him finish his train of thought. You can teach him to converse properly once you know him better.

11. You talk about yourself too much
Prompt him to talk about himself. Make him feel like the most interesting man you’ve ever met. The more interesting you find him, the more interesting he’ll find you.

12. You moan about stuff that men couldn’t give a stuff about
You’ve had the day from hell in the office, where you hate your boss and your boss hates you. Moan about it to your mates in the pub after work, not to the guy you’ve met for a first date. If you do, you’ll end the date just as single as you started it.

13. You don’t want to break your diet
A tasty dessert shared with your date could seal the deal on your evening, and it’s unlikely to make a difference to your waistline unless you have a date every night this week. Don’t be a party pooper. You can make it up with a quick run tomorrow… or some other form of vigorous exercise.

14. You always expect him to pay
If he asks to split the bill, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Maybe he’s short of funds, or thinks it’s only fair that you go halves (in which case, he’s absolutely correct). If you throw a wobbler, you’re a high-street version of a gold-digger.

15. You ring him too soon after the first date
Calling a man on the way home from your first date will make you seem needy and clingy, and you will find yourself back at singlehood square one. A text message to say “I had a great evening” is plenty to keep the ball rolling.

16. You don’t ring at all after the first date
Refusing to ring him at all is just playing hard to get. Once 24 hours have passed since the start of your date, ring him. If you get a brush-off, you can move on to the next guy.

17. You don’t return calls
Whoever told you to wait for five days (or whatever random number of days) before returning a phone call is an idiot. No man wants a stalker, but letting him know you’re interested is the way to win his heart.

18. You waste time with men you don’t fancy
Fear of being single often drives you to accept dates – and more dates – with men you don’t really fancy. Trouble is, while you’re wasting precious time with Mr OK-I-Suppose, you could be out finding Mr Right.

19. You waste time with toxic men
These are the men who pull you one minute and break your heart the next, leaving you feeling more single than ever. There’s the serial online dating addict who never takes his profile down; the self-esteem leech who can’t stop criticising; the rebounder who uses you as a cushion after his break-up… they’re out there in their millions. Avoid.

20. You’re too picky
If you have a very narrow idea of your “ideal man”, you may never find someone who lives up to your fantasy. Here’s a revolutionary idea: try a man who’s completely different from your ideal. You may end up surprised – and a lot less single.

30 Day Photo Challenge

I thought this was really neat so I am going to do the Faith's Place 30 day Photo Challenge...

Day 1: A photo of yourself and 15 facts...

1.  I love my Friends and Family

2.  I am horrified of clowns

3.  Gnomes freak me out

4.  I have recently discovered a love for fish tacos

5.  I have crazy eyes...

6.  Depending on how I feel or my mood my eyes are brown, hazel or green

7.  I'm a bling whore

8.  I'm addicted to high price beauty products

9.  I'm a horrible domestic person

10.  I'm a workaholic

11.  I still have my christmas lights up, seriously

12.  I am pretty sure I have a ghost in my house, he likes to visit when I have taken vicodin :)

13.  My self confidence was low, but thanks to a very good friend...it's improving

14.  I am VERY, VERY good at pretending everyting is okay

15.  I have a wish book from when I was little that I kept of things that I wanted when I grow up...I still add to the book :)  A girl can always wish

Here are the upcoming challenges....



Day 2 - A picture of you and the person you are closest to

Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Day 4 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

Day 5 - A picture of your favorite memory.

Day 6 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item.

Day 8 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Day 9 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the silliest things with.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Day 21 - A picture of your favorite night .

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss



Sickness...get your ass out of my house!

This week has been horrible!!!!  I went to the doctor on Tuesday.  Yeah, I have Bronchitis...I get the blue ribbon!!!  I get bronchitis every year, but not as bad as this.  Fever, exhaustion, truckstop trannie voice and hacking cough.  Got three shots in the ass which was a complete joy!  Apparently this has maybe been going on for a while which explains the chest pain.  On the positive side, I got some phenegran with codiene...woohoo.  On the positive side, they think maybe a bacteria is causing all digestive issues.  The blood tests were done and should have the results in anytime.  Thank God for the codiene, I have hacked so flipping much that my back and arms are killing me!  Oh the life.  AND just as I suspected I got this from my wonderful sister!  She went to the dr. today and has bronchitis as well.  Let me just say this, DO NOT go to the clinic in Early, TX.  Werdna went there when she first got sick and said she had a sinus infection, her doctor today told her she probably had the flu and it turned into bronchitis.  When I went last week, they told me I needed to go see the stomach specialist without doing a test or anything.  MORONS!!!  I haven't been able to do HCG because I am sick :( But I hadn't gained any weight when I went to the doctor so YAY for that!  I have been eating only soup for three days so I am fairly certain that I won't be gaining any weight this week.  I am going to try to go to work tomorrow if only for a few hours, I am missing out on way too much not being at work!  So this carp needs to leave my body and leave my house!!!

I know it's sick, but it is funny as hell!!!

Thank God for Insomnia

Well I couldn't sleep tonight so my dumb ass watched Paranormal Activity and I am scared shitless!!!  So I thought why not blog!  Things have gone a little crazy since the last time I blogged.  I hung out with the family this past weekend and had a blast!  Pineapple upside down cake...a little to sweet and way too disgusting looking.  Stayed the night at the Beals, thank goodness I couldn't have driven home.  About 3:00 that morning I could not sleep.  I had the worst heartburn I have EVER had.  And I have heartburn for the past 10 years, always controlled with medicine.  It hurt so bad that I couldn't really sleep, but somehow I finally did fall asleep.  Along with the heartburn was an intense pain on my right side, this pain mimics a gallbladder attack...well my gallbladder was taken out 5 years ago.  This pain has been off and on for the past 4 months...haven't gone to the doctor, well because I don't want to be a baby.  So all day Sunday I was dying.  Such bad heartburn, nausea, pain, burning down my abdomen.  The pain continued Monday and by Monday afternoon I was doubled over in my office.  Couldn't go to the doctor because..well I didn't have the time.  So on Tuesday I went to Midland for work.  About 2 1/2 hours from Brownwood, the pain got so bad that I had to pull over.  I got so freaking sick.  Made it to Midland and did my thing.  By the time it was all over with, I was dying again...so I called around Midland for a walk in clinic that took my insurance...no such luck.  So I drove to Brownwood and went straight to the clinic becuase a. it takes forever to get an appointment with my doctor and b. I couldn't do this another night.  When I got to the clinic they weighed me of course and I weighed less than when I stopped the HCG, woohoo.  They thought I might have a kidney stone and wanted me to pee in a cup...if I would have known that I would not have peed about 5 minutes before I went back.  So I see the PA, tell her everything that is going on and had my first lidocaine cocktail...ooooohhhhh that SUCKS!!  After you take the shot of the cocktail, everything is numb!  It felt like I was having a hard time swallowing and going to choke!  But it worked for the heartburn, not the pain.  The PA gave me some Zofran and told me it's time to have another scope (only my 5) and get my esophagus stretched (only my 2nd).  If you have never had a dysphagia stretch...you are lying on a table a little groggy with some numbing stuff sprayed in your mouth only to luck up to see them shoving a garden hose down you throat!  It is horrible.  Got a referral but they couldn't do it because they are not my PCP.  Called my PCP and got a call back today.  I have to go see her and have a full workup done before I go to the specialist.  Seriously, I have had GERD, dysphagia and GERD since I was little.  I know the routine.  Apparently she needs some more money.  So I am trying to mentally prepare myself for barium studies, swallow studies, CT scans, a scope and yes another garden hose down my throat so that it can tickle my stomach!  So  I decided today that I was not going to wait another 6 weeks to do the HCG again, I started it again today.  I am hoping that the no preservative eating will help, plus it will help me lose weight so that when I do see the specialist, he can't say it's because  your fat!!!  I can tell him to shove it up his ass, I have lost almost 50 lbs in almost a year, and this shit is worse!  I did the load day today and ate a shitload of food, I am miserable.  Zofran is not my friend either, it makes the nausea worse...I need phenegran, it works everytime.  I'll see my dr on Tuesday and prepare my budget to include the costly adventure I am fixing to endure.  I'll have to have one procedure done each month.  But hell I should reach my out of pocket in no time. I know my part of the tests are around $1000 out of pocket and then I'll have to pay about $500 for the scope and throat stretching....gawd that sounds dirty!  So HCG, be good to me :)  Okay Zofran is kicking in and I am going to try to sleep...in the living room because ain't no way in hell I am going to my room!!!  Goodnight/good morning!!!

I feel like ASS!!

I did really well on the HCG while I did it! 20 lbs in 20 days and 29.5 inches gone. But the temptation of the weekend settled in. It is unbelievable how much your body changes while on HCG. My body feels completely out of control eating processed foods. Feels like it's foreign!!!! So tomorrow I am starting 10 more days of it then following protocol...and next time I am doing the prescription injections for 40 days!!! I have 3 more rounds left. One lady whose blog has really helped me out, has lost 90 lbs in 4 rounds...amazing!!! So I know I can do it! One of the things I've gained through this whole process is a little bit of self confidence...I still have a ways to go but I'm not just doing this for my weight, it's helping me become myself again...what a great feeling!!!! But I did have a great weekend with some fantastic people :) and this time, I'm following it exactly by the protocol: 8 hours of sleep a day, two liters of water a day and 30 minutes of walking a day. Well u won't get 8 hours of sleep tonight but can start tomorrow night. I ordered a shit load of new clothes in the right size, so I got to keep on trucking!!! That means I get to get rid of the jeans that are 3 sizes to big and either fall down or show my ass when I bend over :) so here's hoping for a great week!!
Good night my friends!!

What a DAY!!

Oh wow, what a day!!!  I was in a bad mood this morning, and everthing was made worse when mom told me that she and Werdna were going to watch David in a tournament on Saturday. WTF...THEY setup a family gathering for Saturday.  They had me send out all the emails and now they will be in and out! Oh well what the hell.  That means more me time with lil Joseph :)  I get to work and found out that some foster parents have set their own adoption, for MONDAY!  I have to have paperwork signed and filed with the court within 10 days, so I had to bust my ass and get the paperwork together, my first packet was done in 2 hours.  Then I got it filed.  Mom and I have had to share a car since Christmas because my lil lovely broke down and it was going to cost a lot to have it fixed.  Well she figured out that I could take out a loan against my life insurance policy and then just pay the interest rate annually.  So they told me they would help me start looking.  Everytime I have said anything about this, she blows me off.  So every freaking night, I go through Autotrader.com to see if I can find a car.  I finally found one and I think if I got the windows tinted it would be perfect.  I have already talked to the dealer and everything.  So much for their help!!!  Well when I went to get the money so I could get the car today, mom overestimated the amount by $300, which means that the car I have picked out is now a no go.  She doesn't understand what a pain in the ass it is having to share a car with someone, and I have paid more than $40 this month for gas for her car!!  So that made things even worse.  I think the whole thing that pissed me off is that Mom and them are going to possibly blow off Saturday and Mom's excuse was "i haven't been to a game yet".  Oh okay, she has been to two tournaments, I haven't gotten to watch David play in one, but I am not going to blow off a prior committment to go.  Around 4:45 while I am busting my ass at work, I got a text that she was going to David's basketball game.  Holy shit, I have been to two TWO of my nephews basketball games.  When I tell her about the loan and that the check will be mailed to her house, she tells me well you need to call them and ask them what their bottom line is.  WTF I have already talked to these people three days now.  Then I said well I just need someone to go with me to help negotiate.  My dad was supposed to go...Mom suggests that I take one of Werdna's friends because she CAN get you a deal.  I am over it at this point.  So I get off work around 5:30 and am all the sudden a raving hysterical lunatic.  The ONLY reason I have stayed in this God forsaken town was so that I could be here for David and Shelby's activities.  Well I was able to go to two basketball games this year and no baseball tournaments.  Even though they drive me CRAZY, I love my family and I love having family all around.  But lately it seems that everywhere I turn is douchebag, the one who didn't feel like I was good enough for him...so he dates married women who are going through divorces and seem to be kind of looney.  The thing that sucks is that I have had two people in my life that I allowed to make me feel worthless and yes I am aware that I allow this, but why does he have to be everywhere I go...he sits behind us at the youth fair with his new girlfriend, I turn around in dollar general and he is right behind me...for fuck's sake go the hell away!  But no matter what I always go back to that point because I am a masochist in some ways, he is Mr. Big,  just not as good looking!!!  So the stress limit is through the roof.  Which is not good when you are on HCG, the stress hormone's mess with your HCG and how it works with your metabolism.  So I am sure my weight will be up tomorrow.  The same ole foods are getting very boring.  Fish again with tomatoes, which is really good, just not four nights a week. So to top it off, I am worried about the HcG process (it is vital), no car, this weekend, working like a freaking maniac and the jet engine sounds still coming from my stomach.  So I am ended my day with a couple of episodes of sex and the city, my relaxation guru!!  One of these day's I will get my shit together and find my happily now, not sure about ever after.  I think the 500 calories a day is finally starting to wear on me, I am just downright a moody bitch who has constant reminders of those I don't want to remember.  Oh and I have lost 14 lbs as of today, no a big loss day, but what the hell it's a loss.  And again, I was too lazy to do the measurements.  You know I want to be thin so I can dress cute, so people will see me, not the weight, to be happy whether it is just me or me and someone else and to be able to tell everyone "i'm pregnant" or I am adopting a child.  Hopefully these things are in sight more than I realize.  I feel completely comfortable with you guys reading this because you are the people who know me best and have always been there to support me...alright, enough of this self-pitying bullshit!!  Okay, here is a quote that just came on as I was watching Sex and the City "Somewhere out there, Mr. Big was all alone again.  The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of  humor".   Well it is almost 10 which means it is time to hit the hay so I can get my 8 hours of sleep in.  Have a great Friday and finish it off with drinks for me, please, let me drink vicariously through you :)  Love to you all, Shauna

Once a Katie, always a Katie!

Holy Smack!!

Let me assure you that you do not want to be doing HcG when you have a stomach virus.  I continued with the drops but did not follow everything to a T like I have been doing which pisses me off!!  I feel bloated and my stomach has sounded like a freaking jet engine all day long.  On the bright side as of today, I am down 13.8 lbs.  I was too tired to measure today!!  I am a member of a PCOS blog community and found a woman today who is doing the HcG and she has lost 35 lbs since September.  But she is doing the injections and I am doing the drops...which by the way help me feel like I haven't had to give up liquor at all because they taste like a shot of pure alcohol each time I take them.  She also drinks a protien shake in addition to the 500 calories which is not protocol.  It is getting really hard to come up with new ways to cook chicken, beef and fish.  And something has happened that is even crazier!!!  I have been pretty normal with my cycle since August (with the birth control and metformin) but today 4 days early, i started spotting...weird!!!  For the first time in a long time I am going to do what I am supposed to and get 8 hours of sleep tonight...so that means nighty, night time!!

Night y'all!

I love this...

(: benefits of being single :)

There are more ways than ever to find the right person for you. Until then, here are just a few reasons to celebrate your single status.

1) Flirting is encouraged

You don't have to feel guilty about staring at that cutie from the coffee place, or oogling a particular hotie on the street.

2) Your money is your own

If you want to blow a week’s salary in Vegas, it's entirely up to you. There's no one to nag you to put it in the bank for a rainy day.

3) All the covers are yours

No waking up cold. No pulling blankets off of someone else just so you can get a few hours sleep. (And no one snoring all night to interrupt your peaceful shut-eye.)

4) Let your spirits fly!

Having a great day? Your partner can’t come home and dampen your mood. Conversely, you don’t need to cheer up anyone else.

5) You can leave your socks anywhere you want

No one will nag you to pick them up. You also won’t have to pick up socks or underwear that isn’t yours!

6) You get to meet new people

Dating is a fun activity. You get to know new people and learn what makes them tick. You can have conversations about anything and everything - not just about your significant other's day or what your kids did in school. Best of all, in going out on different dates you'll be stretching your comfort zone and discovering new activities you might not have otherwise tried.

7) You don’t answer to anyone

If Sunday is your day to watch the game, hang out at the bookstore, or swing by every rummage sale in town, no one can tell you otherwise. If you want to go to the gym or eat popcorn for dinner? Go ahead!

8) You can devote more time to your career

Singles are sometimes envious when their married coworkers duck out at five to pick up the kids, but being on your own can have distinct advantages at work. You’re more flexible; you can bail out your boss by devoting more time to an important new project and even jump on a last-minute flight to sooth an angry client. This type of availability can make your boss take notice, and hopefully, reward you.

9) Meet your friends whenever you’d like

Married and otherwise attached folks are sometimes not as flexible as their single counterparts when it comes to keeping up with friendships. So when the guys decide to grab a beer and wings at the last minute or the girls plan an after-work get together you can easily join them without worrying about someone else’s schedule.

10) You only have one set of relatives to deal with

While it can be great to have a large family get together with both sides of an extended family, it can also be a headache at times. If you’re someone that prefers a more quiet holiday by just dealing with one goofy family (your own), being single can afford you a calmer celebration.

(: This makes me SmIlE

this makes me smile :))))

1. "You can do whatever you darn well please." --ilanadonna

2. "Shave your legs and the razor is never dull from his face." --kkj199

3. "Not only is your razor not dull, who needs to shave at all now?" --sfgirl

4. "You can leave bra and other unmentionables in view." --kkj199

5. "You can slump around the house in any old thing." --sfgirl

6. "You don't having to think about birth control, calendars or ovulation. Aunt Flo can visit whenever she likes." --glamourgirl

7. "You can go out and flirt as much as your heart desires, without a worry in the world." --ilanadonna

8. "The toilet seat issue -- need I say more?" --kkj199

9. "Free drinks at bars! Men seem to know when you're single and tend to be very generous." --sfgirl

10. "You can have male friends without having to defend yourself and explain that nothing else is going on." --tam1021

11. "You can finally see all the good videos -- the romantic, cheesy films. (Get some ideas girly videos in our Chick Flicks area.)" --ilanadonna

12. "No one grossing out over Tampax wrappers being anywhere in the house." --sfgirl

13. "You don't have to wear G-string panties unless you want to wear them." --kkj199

14. "You can have sexual gratification at any time, not just when the sports games are over." --kkj199

15. "You don't have to deal with anyone's grumpy, moody personalities." --sfgirl

16. "You can get the juice/cheese/toilet paper/videos/CDs/take-out that you want." --tam1021

17. "You can spend as much time as you want with your family and nobody's lip will drag the ground." --cskgirl

18. "There is no one putting you on a tiny pedestal that you can fall off of at any moment, unless you are focusing on your balance all day long." --sfgirl

19. "You don't have to stroke the fragile male ego, and other things." --glamourgirl

20. "No needless exposure to foulness, burping, gas and so on." --lctostig

21. "Never worry if the milk carton had been directly drunken out of." --kkj199

22. "You are free at a party or bar to talk to who you please, and you don't always have to turn to and say 'Hon, let's go over and talk to so and so.'" --sfgirl

23. "You can watch Oprah, Rosie, figure skating, and cooking/decorating shows without having to defend yourself." --glamourgirll

24. "You can buy what you want at the grocery store. So what if you want to have spaghetti four nights in a row?" --sfgirl

25. "You can talk to your girlfriends for hours on the phone without getting dirty, exasperated looks." --glamourgirl

26. "No 'buddies' coming over for 'a couple of beers' then staying and commenting on Pamela Anderson all night (like any of them have a chance)." --kkj199

27. "No more checking with someone to see if 'it's okay' to tell someone yes or no to an invitation. You can accept on the spot." --sfgirl

28. "You don't have to do laundry because he has no clean socks." --tam102

29. "You can fill the fridge with fresh fruit and veggies, bottled water, one-percent milk and applesauce instead of cold cuts, beer and Velveeta." --glamourgirl

30. "No more Cinemax, American Flyers, Steven Seagal or Jackie Chan. You are free to watch Emeril and Ming Tsai three times a day if you want." --cskgirl

31. "You no longer have to reassure him that he does indeed look like Bruce Willis." --cskgirl

32. "You can be happy with who you are, not who he wants you to be." --ud98alh

33. "Your dryer is no longer a fifth dresser drawer." --cskgirl

34. "If you are depressed or mad at the world for a few minutes, you don't have to worry about having your 'outlook on life' analyzed." --cskgirl

35. "You can buy something for yourself (a new dress, CD, shoes, or whatever) without being asked, 'What do you need that for?' " --tam1021

36. "You can eat garlic or onions without a second thought about breath mints." --ud98alh

37. "You don't have to give yourself lame excuses for not devoting time to yourself." --cskgirl

38. "No one is going to get insulted when you spend the day at the beach checking out the lifeguards." -- dorothyt99

39. "You can have eight hours of undisturbed sleep with the covers all to yourself." --glamourgirl

40. "You can go to bed in flannel and plaid rather than Frederick's and Victoria" --ud98alh

41. "The TV Guide crossword puzzle is YOURS, ALL YOURS." --kkj199

42. "If you tidy up your apartment, it will STAY neat until YOU mess it up again!" --glamourgirl

43. "You can spend your paycheck on what you want." --ud98alh

44. "Your friends can sleep over and no sleazy 'Can I join in?' comments are made." --kkj199

45. "You don't have to worry if he will or won't call." --kimberly71

46. "No more arguments about things you can't explain." --ilanadonna

47. "You can have a clean bathroom with the toilet seat where you want it." --ud98alh

48. "Not only are your dinners free when you go out on those first dates, but they take you out to nice places." --lctostig

49. "No snoring!" --ud98alh

50. "The best reason for being single is: Vibrators don't talk back, you can turn them off and on, and they don't stop until they are through serving their purpose." --lctostig

Purpose of this thang...

A few people are aware that I have started the HCG diet.  This blog is set up for them to come and check out progress and what is going one with me!  Of course most of you know that I have been diagnosed with PCOS which effects my fertility.  I really want to have a child of my own and I am bound and determined to do everything I can to make this happen.  The HCG has been shown to produce more eggs during ovulation, produce more follicles and decrease the insulin resistance in the ovaries.  So I started the HCG on January 9, 2011.  So far it hasn't been bad.  I have actually been cooking twice a day and it is all fresh food, nothing processed.  This has actually made me feel good .  Monday sucked ass though.  I ate more than the alotted chicken and had a diet coke!!  But I only gained .8 of a lb.  So as of today, I am down 12.2 lbs and 12.5 inches.  I got back on track today, other than I had a diet drink...and did not drink all my water like I am supposed to, so it's back hard and fast tomorrow.  I will keep daily journal logs and this way you guys can follow my progress, it's really a bit too much to post on facebook.  So I am taking my tired ass to bed!!  Love to you all!!