It's been a long time since I have blogged. I think that blogging is actually therapeutic for me. So here we go!! Lately I have been struggling a lot in my life. I've been irritable...well what the hell, no need to lie...I've been very bitchy!!! I see my life going in directions and it seems there is no real direction!!! It's been difficult lately between not really knowing what is going on, work, terrible back aches and excruciating pain at times, I have been wondering...What is my purpose? What did God put me on Earth to do? Am I doing it? And if someone says...oh are you depressed, I may just scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that as far back as I can remember, I sincerely thought I would be at a different point in my life. I felt like I would be married, have a family and have tons of mommy/child playdates...and I don't. Which is my own doing!!! For so long I have focused on everything else in the world...particularly my job. There are days where I just sit and wonder what it would be like to have these things...then I have to remember, these have all been choices I made on my own, no one helped me along in these. Granted I have had the SHITTIEST (is this even a word) luck with the men in my life and I think that has helped to put a big ole' wall up, but here's the deal, I should be strong enough to say screw you, screw this!! I see people everyday who take for granted the things they have been given in life and it is a knock in the head, granted there are a LOT of things I take for granted as well. I know that I have treated some people very poorly in my life and you know as much as I try not to have regrets, this is something I have regrets about. Because I see people living this double standard where they say not to judge people and it's not about this or about that, but for some of those people, it really is. Their actions prove that material things and how thin you are or how many snotty people you have to say their your friends, really is important to them. I think now more than ever, I just realize how shitty it is to have people be mean to you...hence my choice to be a bitch!!! Thinking about all of this has led me to just wonder what the hell am I doing, who the hell am I and where the hell am I headed. In all honesty, I think some of this has come out of fear. There are times I go to bed at night or have just the deepest twinge of pain and I wonder, shit is this it? I haven't gotten to live my life the way I thought I would. I know, I know...a little melodramatic!!! But it's true. When you feel as shitty as I have lately, that is a very overpowering thought...what the hell is wrong with me? Which also leads me to look back at points in my life, pat myself on the shoulder and just say "DAMN Shauna, you really fucked that up or you really had your priorities in line (not)." Which all leads me to where I am now. Yes it is very corny, but I have purchased the Purpose Driven Life to read along with my bible. And on page 9 the preface, asks "What on Earth am I here for?" And this is the question I need to find the answer to!!! 40 days is all you need to transform your life, and my transformation starts tonight!!! I will read and blog about what I read each night. I sat down tonight and set some personal goals for myself...my hope is to follow those goals and grow through the bible. This is not a last stitch effort at all. But I know I am so so lost and need to find my way!!!
"My Covenant: With God's help, I commit the next 40 days of my life to discovering God's purpose for my life." I am not going to do this with a partner, I am doing this on my own...it is time I found my own way!!!
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