Wednesday, April 13, 2011

topsy turvy

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite a while.  Going through a bit of a transition now.  No worries my sweet friend, there is no depression here, just some self-rediscovery.  A whole lot has been going on.  I have been struggling to see who I really am.  Lately I have been reading a lot of people's post on facebook about how important it is to look past the outside and see what is inside.  Well honestly this is BULLSHIT!!  Yes there are certain people out there who really do live that way and so glad to have those people in my life.  As for the rest of them, whatever, turnabout is fair play.  A part of this rediscovery has a lot to do with some scary things that are going on right now.  I am really scared but try my hardest to find the humor in it all.  I don't want anyone to know how weird I feel because I can't explain it.  I don't want people to know about the crazy trips to the ER, the battery of tests I have been through and the battery I have to go.  When some people learn about things like this, they feel sorry for you, no way in HELL do I want ANYONE to feel sorry for me!!!  I see my friends going here and going there but the truth is, before I go out and do anything like that I need to figure out what the hell is going on.  Today someone that I love very much asked me if I have made a love connection yet...no, and why is it important that I do?  Am I happy being single and alone and possible barren?  No, but I am not going to dwell on it.  Who really gives a shit as long as I am happy...and I am, just not happy with where I am.  I am learning to take more pride in myself...bringing out the best parts.  And I am working on it, but you know it's baby steps that count the most.  So for me the next 21 days will be devoted to me rediscovering myself.  I am going to try to journal more everyday.  Will be dressed appropriately to include make up and hair cutely fixed.  I will continue to eat well, just add exercise 6 days a week and pay more attention to what I am putting in my body.  Some people have done some things that have been very hurtful recently, but you know what forget them.  I am not going to live my life according to what others expect.  So these past two days spent in bed, are out for now.  I don't really give a shit how much pain I am in, how nauseated I am, how dizzy I am or how badly my heart feels like it is going to jump straight out of my chest.  I am not going to go on like I am just waiting for horrible news...not going to happen, I am going to live my life to MY fullest, not anyone else's fullest.  I am figuring out this as I go and am going to do just fine.  I am very good at putting  up a front and will continue to do so, I do not want anyone to know how scared I am...got that sister...noone!!!  Well I must sleep now, as if I haven't slept enought recently...goal is to get up at 5:00 for a 30 minute walk, then egg white omlete, 5 court reports knocked out, shower and micro and I should be good to go.  I GOT this!!!  Good night :)

No comments:

Post a Comment