MawMaw

This precious women in the picture with me is my MawMaw.  Few people understand the bond that we share.  I was the oldest granddaughter born, the second oldest grandchild.  The oldest lived a good ways away and so I was the oldest in their eyes.  Her and my PawPaw were always my rock.  When I was little and things were bad with my mom and the "sperm donor", they always came to rescue us.  I spent many Christmas mornings bounding down their stairs waiting to see what Santa had brought.  Most of my childhood summers were spent in the fields during harvest time.  MawMaw always cooked her famous chili beans and other yummy things for everyone working the harvest.  I can remember riding in the combine with my pawpaw to wake to a bunny sitting on my chest.  Dinners at their house were a regular thing.  Every Sunday, the dinner table was full of food and love.  I never heard my grandmother say a bad thing about anyone.  Not even the sperm donor.  MawMaw was always a little ditzty but fool of love, always making me and my sister coke floats when we got home from school.  They played such a huge role in my life.  They were well respected by many and loved by all.  I have never seen so much love as I did between her and my PawPaw and our family.  When Mom and Dad married in their yard, my MawMaw was never happier.  She loves my dad so much.  Her and PawPaw always said that Daddy was their third son.  Sadly my PawPaw passed away 19 years ago in May.  That was one of the hardest days of my life.  I will never forget it, they felt like Werdna and I were too young to be there when he passed and I didn't get to say goodbye.  I had a very difficult time understanding and moving on after PawPaw passed away.  Possibly about 15 years ago, we found out MawMaw had Alzhiemer's Disease.  I had no idea what we were in store for.  I remember the first time I saw signs of the disease.  I cried all night.  Some don't know the MawMaw I know...the sweet loving woman.  They see her now, very short and sometimes just rude.  I had never heard my MawMaw say anything worse than darn...so imagine my shock when she called her roommate at the nursing home an ole' bitch.  I got a little chuckle, but couldn't believe what I saw.  She has overcome a lot.  Now she is very sad.  She hurts most of the time and is very withdrawn.  She has always lit up when I walked in the room and would grab my face and say, "Shauna Sue, I love you mostest".  What I would give to have that one more time.  MawMaw is not doing so well now.  The doctors have said they feel like she is very tired and ready for the next step.  I am very selfish, I don't want to imagine my life without my precious MawMaw, but I have to be realistic and realize that this could be any time.  My MawMaw has missed the love of her life for 19 long years and I think she is getting ready to be with him.  I truly hope that she is just giving us a good scare.  I pray every night, a little selfishly that I have one more day with MawMaw.  I want to lay in her bed and not leave her side...I just don't want her to.  She is my rock, my inspiration, my love and will never really know how special she is to me.  I understand the cycle of life and know what is to come, but I honestly don't know how to accept this.  I feel like I am dealing with this on my own.  Each one of my cousins, aunts, uncles and such have someone to lean on but I feel like I have to be the strongest for the rest of them and for myself.  MawMaw, I love you to the moon and back and love you the MOSTEST.  I am greatful for each minute I get to spend with her, no matter how hard it is. 
I love you Werdna Eileen Williford

Lazy Sunday's

Today is a very quiet and lazy day!  I have gotten terrible about blogging.  I feel so much better when I do blog.  Crazy things been happening...what's new :)  Right now we are dealing with lots of family issues.  Praying for my dad's health and agonizing over MawMaw.  That women has been the most influential person in my life quite possibly...I know she is tired and ready to be with my PawPaw, but I am selfish and am not ready to live my life without her.  I'm doing what I can to help her, but she is very tired. 

Lots of marriages, babies and such been going on which means lots of showers.  I love going to these, but yesterday while I was at Jessi's baby shower, it hit me full force in the face that I may never get to experience this... Over the years I have been to countless wedding and baby showers, and I have loved everyone of thems.   I'm not necessarily giving up but I am being realistic.  It is time for me to realize that I will likely never be able to experience these things...being with one person you love and celebrating your love...and creating your family.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I have a box that I have had since I was little.  This box has pictures of my perfect wedding from wedding magazines and other magazines.  This also has my dream nursery put together from the JcPenney catalog.  I know very silly, but I have wanted to be a wife and mom every since I can remember.  Somethings are just not meant to be.  I know that God has a special plan for me and it's time to just turn everything over to God.  Through reading the Purpose Driven Life, I have realized that my life may have a purpose I have never dreamed of...one that I am still learning about. 

One thing that I have become more aware of recently...the sting of people'a actions.  I do not have the perfect life, I do not have the perfect clothes and by no means have the ideal life.  However, I will never look disgustingly at someone who thinks they do.  Because those who think they are better than you because they have their ideal family, they have all their material possessions, or the appear to be better than anyone else; have shown me exactly how much hurt this can cause.  I am a strong person and I will tell you that I think you are a hypocrytical bitch because you turn your nose up at me because I don't have the perfect hair, skin, figure, clothes, life or possessions...but when I am hidden from others, I cry becasue of the hurt that nasty look on your face has created.  This may not make a whole lot of sense by it does to me.  It is so true you have NO idea what someone is going through when you choose to treat them like a piece of shit.  And really you have no idea what someone is going through when you make those snide, hurtful remarks and give those judgemental stares.  These cause me to change the way I treat others.  Enough of that!!!

So be thankful for the things that you have and don't take credit for your life,  you never know how badly someone may be suffering because they don't have those things.