MawMaw

This precious women in the picture with me is my MawMaw.  Few people understand the bond that we share.  I was the oldest granddaughter born, the second oldest grandchild.  The oldest lived a good ways away and so I was the oldest in their eyes.  Her and my PawPaw were always my rock.  When I was little and things were bad with my mom and the "sperm donor", they always came to rescue us.  I spent many Christmas mornings bounding down their stairs waiting to see what Santa had brought.  Most of my childhood summers were spent in the fields during harvest time.  MawMaw always cooked her famous chili beans and other yummy things for everyone working the harvest.  I can remember riding in the combine with my pawpaw to wake to a bunny sitting on my chest.  Dinners at their house were a regular thing.  Every Sunday, the dinner table was full of food and love.  I never heard my grandmother say a bad thing about anyone.  Not even the sperm donor.  MawMaw was always a little ditzty but fool of love, always making me and my sister coke floats when we got home from school.  They played such a huge role in my life.  They were well respected by many and loved by all.  I have never seen so much love as I did between her and my PawPaw and our family.  When Mom and Dad married in their yard, my MawMaw was never happier.  She loves my dad so much.  Her and PawPaw always said that Daddy was their third son.  Sadly my PawPaw passed away 19 years ago in May.  That was one of the hardest days of my life.  I will never forget it, they felt like Werdna and I were too young to be there when he passed and I didn't get to say goodbye.  I had a very difficult time understanding and moving on after PawPaw passed away.  Possibly about 15 years ago, we found out MawMaw had Alzhiemer's Disease.  I had no idea what we were in store for.  I remember the first time I saw signs of the disease.  I cried all night.  Some don't know the MawMaw I know...the sweet loving woman.  They see her now, very short and sometimes just rude.  I had never heard my MawMaw say anything worse than darn...so imagine my shock when she called her roommate at the nursing home an ole' bitch.  I got a little chuckle, but couldn't believe what I saw.  She has overcome a lot.  Now she is very sad.  She hurts most of the time and is very withdrawn.  She has always lit up when I walked in the room and would grab my face and say, "Shauna Sue, I love you mostest".  What I would give to have that one more time.  MawMaw is not doing so well now.  The doctors have said they feel like she is very tired and ready for the next step.  I am very selfish, I don't want to imagine my life without my precious MawMaw, but I have to be realistic and realize that this could be any time.  My MawMaw has missed the love of her life for 19 long years and I think she is getting ready to be with him.  I truly hope that she is just giving us a good scare.  I pray every night, a little selfishly that I have one more day with MawMaw.  I want to lay in her bed and not leave her side...I just don't want her to.  She is my rock, my inspiration, my love and will never really know how special she is to me.  I understand the cycle of life and know what is to come, but I honestly don't know how to accept this.  I feel like I am dealing with this on my own.  Each one of my cousins, aunts, uncles and such have someone to lean on but I feel like I have to be the strongest for the rest of them and for myself.  MawMaw, I love you to the moon and back and love you the MOSTEST.  I am greatful for each minute I get to spend with her, no matter how hard it is. 
I love you Werdna Eileen Williford

Lazy Sunday's

Today is a very quiet and lazy day!  I have gotten terrible about blogging.  I feel so much better when I do blog.  Crazy things been happening...what's new :)  Right now we are dealing with lots of family issues.  Praying for my dad's health and agonizing over MawMaw.  That women has been the most influential person in my life quite possibly...I know she is tired and ready to be with my PawPaw, but I am selfish and am not ready to live my life without her.  I'm doing what I can to help her, but she is very tired. 

Lots of marriages, babies and such been going on which means lots of showers.  I love going to these, but yesterday while I was at Jessi's baby shower, it hit me full force in the face that I may never get to experience this... Over the years I have been to countless wedding and baby showers, and I have loved everyone of thems.   I'm not necessarily giving up but I am being realistic.  It is time for me to realize that I will likely never be able to experience these things...being with one person you love and celebrating your love...and creating your family.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I have a box that I have had since I was little.  This box has pictures of my perfect wedding from wedding magazines and other magazines.  This also has my dream nursery put together from the JcPenney catalog.  I know very silly, but I have wanted to be a wife and mom every since I can remember.  Somethings are just not meant to be.  I know that God has a special plan for me and it's time to just turn everything over to God.  Through reading the Purpose Driven Life, I have realized that my life may have a purpose I have never dreamed of...one that I am still learning about. 

One thing that I have become more aware of recently...the sting of people'a actions.  I do not have the perfect life, I do not have the perfect clothes and by no means have the ideal life.  However, I will never look disgustingly at someone who thinks they do.  Because those who think they are better than you because they have their ideal family, they have all their material possessions, or the appear to be better than anyone else; have shown me exactly how much hurt this can cause.  I am a strong person and I will tell you that I think you are a hypocrytical bitch because you turn your nose up at me because I don't have the perfect hair, skin, figure, clothes, life or possessions...but when I am hidden from others, I cry becasue of the hurt that nasty look on your face has created.  This may not make a whole lot of sense by it does to me.  It is so true you have NO idea what someone is going through when you choose to treat them like a piece of shit.  And really you have no idea what someone is going through when you make those snide, hurtful remarks and give those judgemental stares.  These cause me to change the way I treat others.  Enough of that!!!

So be thankful for the things that you have and don't take credit for your life,  you never know how badly someone may be suffering because they don't have those things. 

You are not an Accident

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident
Verse to Remember: " I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." Isaiah 44:2
Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me.  What areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am I struggling to accept? 

For me it is what about my personality, turns people away...or do I help create that.  It's also that I do have this huge wall up and no matter how hard I try to crumble it, it's not budging.  I also question as to whether or not I self sabatoge.  Why is it so hard for me to just put it in God's hands and let it be?  There are so many things about my physical appearance I would love to change.  My body being number 1.  I have found here lately, I want perfection and in some sick sense feel like this will bring me closer to what I want to achieve...people can lie all they want to but physical appearance is a huge thing for most people.  I find myself wanting skin treatments, botox, etc.  I recently bought a full length mirror thinking I could get over my fear of looking into it...but I can't, it's still in my car.  I understand to some people these concerns are very petty, but they are my concerns and those who care about me should validate these but be supportive and loving.  I am sick of hearing, you are so pretty, you just need to lose some weight.  Or constantly have you made a love connection, are you planning on giving your parents a son-in-law or grandchildren?  BACK off people...I struggle with that enough, I do not need your pressure along with the pressures of society knocking me in the head.  I mean think about it, if you are single or do not have kids, you are not a part of the couples showers, couples parties, kids parties, etc.  In order for you to attend those, you HAVE to be a couple!!!  I have not been a part of many showers and such for my close friends and loved ones because I did not have a partner.  WTF ever!!!!  I want to be able to overlook that and not have my feelings hurt, it's just another thing, not a huge deal, but some people can hurt you more than they realize and it is sometimes the smallest thing either said or done that causes the most pain. 

Wow, kind of went into another direction, but it felt good to say those things because I would never actually say those to anyone.  Those words are hurtful and regardless of who things I am a mean person, I don't like hurting people, AT ALL!!!  So I feel a little more at peace getting that out.  Now, hopefully sleep :) Hey a girl can dream can't she!!!

Day 1 - It all starts with God

"Focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose"

AS I am reading I found this to be interesting: "Consider your dreams.  Clarify your values. Set some goals.  Figure out what your good at.  Aim High!!  Go for it!! Be disciplined...believe you can achieve your goals...involve others...NEVER GIVE UP!!!" 

~~You were made by God and for God - and until you understand that, life will never make sense~~

So here is the exercise:
A.  Point to Ponder: It's not about me
B.  Verse to Remember: "For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible...everything got started in him and finds it's purpose in him"  Colossians 1:16
C. Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?  I feel like one of these ways is just to remind myself where I am right now in life.  I have gotten to this point by being selfish and thinking primarily of myself.  Not about God or the idea that God had a plan for me before I was even created. Ultimately God controls our destiny and we only make it easier or more difficult by the daily choices I have made. 

What tha...who tha...where tha...

It's been a long time since I have blogged.  I think that blogging is actually therapeutic for me.  So here we go!!  Lately I have been struggling a lot in my life.  I've been irritable...well what the hell, no need to lie...I've been very bitchy!!!  I see my life going in directions and it seems there is no real direction!!!  It's been difficult lately between not really knowing what is going on, work, terrible back aches and excruciating pain at times, I have been wondering...What is my purpose?  What did God put me on Earth to do?  Am I doing it?  And if someone says...oh are you depressed, I may just scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I think that as far back as I can remember, I sincerely thought I would be at a different point in my life.  I felt like I would be married, have a family and have tons of mommy/child playdates...and I don't.  Which is my own doing!!!  For so long I have focused on everything else in the world...particularly my job.  There are days where I just sit and wonder what it would be like to have these things...then I have to remember, these have all been choices I made on my own, no one helped me along in these.  Granted I have had the SHITTIEST (is this even a word) luck with the men in my life and I think that has helped to put a big ole' wall up, but here's the deal, I should be strong enough to say screw you, screw this!!  I see people everyday who take for granted the things they have been given in life and it is a knock in the head, granted there are a LOT of things I take for granted as well.  I know that I have treated some people very poorly in my life and  you know as much as I try not to have regrets, this is something I have regrets about.  Because I see people living this double standard where they say not to judge people and it's not about this or about that, but for some of those people, it really is.  Their actions prove that material things and how thin you are or how many snotty people you have to say their your friends, really is important to them.  I think now more than ever, I just realize how shitty it is to have people be mean to you...hence my choice to be a bitch!!!  Thinking about all of this has led me to just wonder what the hell am I doing, who the hell am I and where the hell am I headed.  In all honesty, I think some of this has come out of fear.  There are times I go to bed at night or have just the deepest twinge of pain and I wonder, shit is this it?  I haven't gotten to live my life the way I thought I would.  I know, I know...a little melodramatic!!!  But it's true.  When you feel as shitty as I have lately, that is a very overpowering thought...what the hell is wrong with me?  Which also leads me to look back at points in my life, pat myself on the shoulder and just say "DAMN Shauna, you really fucked that up or you really had your priorities in line (not)."  Which all leads me to where I am now.  Yes it is very corny, but I have purchased the Purpose Driven Life to read along with my bible.  And on page 9 the preface, asks "What on Earth am I here for?"  And this is the question I need to find the answer to!!!  40 days is all you need to transform your life, and my transformation starts tonight!!!  I will read and blog about what I read each night.  I sat down tonight and set some personal goals for myself...my hope is to follow those goals and grow through the bible.  This is not a last stitch effort at all.  But I know I am so so lost and need to find my way!!!

"My Covenant: With God's help, I commit the next 40 days of my life to discovering God's purpose for my life." I am not going to do this with a partner, I am doing this on my own...it is time I found my own way!!! 

topsy turvy

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite a while.  Going through a bit of a transition now.  No worries my sweet friend, there is no depression here, just some self-rediscovery.  A whole lot has been going on.  I have been struggling to see who I really am.  Lately I have been reading a lot of people's post on facebook about how important it is to look past the outside and see what is inside.  Well honestly this is BULLSHIT!!  Yes there are certain people out there who really do live that way and so glad to have those people in my life.  As for the rest of them, whatever, turnabout is fair play.  A part of this rediscovery has a lot to do with some scary things that are going on right now.  I am really scared but try my hardest to find the humor in it all.  I don't want anyone to know how weird I feel because I can't explain it.  I don't want people to know about the crazy trips to the ER, the battery of tests I have been through and the battery I have to go.  When some people learn about things like this, they feel sorry for you, no way in HELL do I want ANYONE to feel sorry for me!!!  I see my friends going here and going there but the truth is, before I go out and do anything like that I need to figure out what the hell is going on.  Today someone that I love very much asked me if I have made a love connection yet...no, and why is it important that I do?  Am I happy being single and alone and possible barren?  No, but I am not going to dwell on it.  Who really gives a shit as long as I am happy...and I am, just not happy with where I am.  I am learning to take more pride in myself...bringing out the best parts.  And I am working on it, but you know it's baby steps that count the most.  So for me the next 21 days will be devoted to me rediscovering myself.  I am going to try to journal more everyday.  Will be dressed appropriately to include make up and hair cutely fixed.  I will continue to eat well, just add exercise 6 days a week and pay more attention to what I am putting in my body.  Some people have done some things that have been very hurtful recently, but you know what forget them.  I am not going to live my life according to what others expect.  So these past two days spent in bed, are out for now.  I don't really give a shit how much pain I am in, how nauseated I am, how dizzy I am or how badly my heart feels like it is going to jump straight out of my chest.  I am not going to go on like I am just waiting for horrible news...not going to happen, I am going to live my life to MY fullest, not anyone else's fullest.  I am figuring out this as I go and am going to do just fine.  I am very good at putting  up a front and will continue to do so, I do not want anyone to know how scared I am...got that sister...noone!!!  Well I must sleep now, as if I haven't slept enought recently...goal is to get up at 5:00 for a 30 minute walk, then egg white omlete, 5 court reports knocked out, shower and micro and I should be good to go.  I GOT this!!!  Good night :)